Are those days gone when you regularly went to the hairdressers, got your nails done, enjoyed a spa day, or even remembered your regular check-ups at the dentist?

Before I had a child, I had so much freedom and free time to enjoy regular me-time and didn’t think twice about planning in some self-care. But after my son was born, for a long time it came very far down the list, until I started taking my own advice and began to think about my self-care.

When I talk to women about self-care, the two most common reasons for not prioritizing it are TIME and GUILT. Does this resonate with you, too? Feeling so busy that there never seems to be time to take care of yourself? Or do you feel guilty at the thought of going off on a spa day or treating yourself at the hairdressers? That you shouldn’t spend that money, or that you should be doing other things, like taking care of the kids, housework and tackling that endless to-do list?

So, I’m just going to say it. STOP FEELING GUILTY!!!! You are worth it. And quite frankly, if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be the best version of yourself. If you burn out, then your whole family suffers. If you decide that you are worth taking care of, the way you take care of others, then you will be a better woman, friend, mother, wife, partner, colleague and human being.

LET GO of guilt

Know YOU ARE WORTH IT

It DOES make a difference

Let me share some really simple ways to begin to incorporate self-care into your life, guilt-free and time effective.

Five Passive Ways to Self Care – and Feeling Fabulous!

These tips don’t require any time commitment, and minimal effort, but can have a huge and immediate effect on how you feel. Which one will you try first?

1. Wear lipstick
   I was talking with my good friend Ginny the other day, and she said to me that putting on her lipstick always transforms how she feels. So after you apply your lip balm, reach for your lippy and see an instant transformation.
2. Put on your beautiful underwear
   I no longer keep my good sets for special occasions. Whenever I can, I wear my nicest, sexiest underwear, even though it’s only me who knows I am wearing it. Swapping my sports bra and big pants for a sexier matching set gives me confidence as I go about my day.
3. Smell nice
   Don’t keep those nice perfume bottles sitting on your shelf gathering dust. A quick spritz of your favourite scent does wonders for you. And remember, these perfumes have a shelf life, so don’t waste them; use them. Turn an occasional luxury in to an everyday feel-good moment.
4. Diffuse oils
   You all know how much I love essential oils. And what is a simpler way to change your environment and affect your mood than through the power of Aromatherapy. So light up that oil diffuser and add a couple of drops of your favourite oil, and breathe. You can find a range of essential oils here.
5. Drink water
   My good friend and Holistic Nutritionist, Monika Bock, says the best thing that you can do for your health is to drink lots of water. And she is so right. It’s simple. So fill up your water bottle, and look and feel great.

Five One Minute Wonders

I can totally empathise with you if you feel that you never get a minute to yourself. If this is you, then you urgently need to prioritise some self care! Here are my 60 second suggestions that actually make a difference. Choose one and start today!

1. Breathe
   When you are super busy, the kids are screaming, or you feel frazzled or overwhelmed, simply pause and take three deep breaths. Then keep breathing. It’s an instant calmer.
2. Colour
   Your kids love it and you see how focussed and calm they are when they are colouring. But colouring is not just for kids. I teach it in my mindfulness course, and it’s always a surprise hit. Chances are you’ve been given an adult colouring book as a present. Dig it out and colour for one minute. Or use your kids’ colouring books and pencils, or join in with your children. Focusing on a relaxing activity calms your mind, distracts your thoughts and relaxes you.
3. Plank
   If, like me, you are finding it hard to find a consistent time to exercise, then consider that just 60 seconds (or 45 in my case!) of plank pose works your core muscles and strengthens your back.
4. Read
   Reading is a great escape, and finding a quick read can really lift our mood. Two of my favourite magazines have online sites where there are short articles related to health, well-being and lifestyle. Try Psychologies or Breathe Magazine for a minute of Me Time.
5. Gratitude
   Take one minute before you fall into bed to write down three things you are grateful for. Research tells us that people who practice gratitude are happier. And it also creates a positive mindset that aids a better sleep.

Try these tips as a start to your new self care regime and feel the difference a little Me Time can make to your health.

Want to talk more about self care? Join me on July 30th over on My Mama Tribe with Jailan Heidar for my webinar, “Self Care For Busy Moms”. Or email me at hello@julieleonardcoaching.com to schedule a Free Discovery Call to chat about how I can help.

This article was originally publihed by me at Uber Moms.

Last week, my son, who is 2 years old, was crying. When I asked him why he was crying he replied, ‘I feel upset’. I then asked him why he was upset, and he said, ‘Because I missed you’. I was so happy. Not, of course, because my child was upset, but because for the first time he could clearly articulate his feelings. He could communicate how he felt, and why, which made it so much easier to work through his feelings with him and to comfort him. Up until then it hadn’t always been obvious what was wrong, and I wasn’t always successful in working out what was upsetting him. This was so much easier!

And as I rejoiced at this new milestone, I couldn’t help but wonder, how can I foster and grow his ability to express his emotions? How can I nurture him to grow into a strong and confident man who is unafraid to talk about his feelings? And at what stage does our society impose a belief that boys don’t cry and show their feelings?

I’m talking generally, here. Not every man struggles to express his feelings and not every woman is good at expressing her emotions. But, generally speaking, men tend to struggle more than women do. So much so that researchers have coined phrases to describe the issue of men being unable to express their feelings.

Psychologist Dr Ronald F. Levant calls it ‘normative male alexithymia’. Gregg Henriques, Ph.D, writing in Psychology Today, explains it as follows:

‘Alexithymia is the clinical-sounding term for when someone has a lot of difficulty translating their emotional experience into words. Normative male alexithymia refers to the fact that traditional masculine role socialization channels many men into ways of being such that their masculine identity conflicts with many emotions they feel and what they feel they are “allowed” to express (i.e., they will be shamed and will feel as if they are “not real men” if they express feelings of vulnerability, dependency needs, weakness, etc.)’

Another term widely used by psychologists is ‘toxic masculinity.’ Psychologist Terry Kupers defines toxic masculinity as ‘the constellation of socially regressive male traits that serve to foster domination, the devaluation of women, homophobia and wanton violence’. These traits are the opposite of the more positive aspects of masculinity, such as ‘pride in [one’s] ability to win at sports, to maintain solidarity with a friend, to succeed at work, or to provide for [one’s] family’. The concept of toxic masculinity is not intended to demonize men or male attributes, but rather to emphasize the harmful effects of conforming to certain traditional masculine ideal behaviors, such as dominance, self-reliance, and competition.

Where I come from in the West of Scotland, it is such a big issue that a project I worked for received funding specifically to work with young men. This inability to express feelings, combined with other social factors, has resulted in extremely high levels of depression and a higher than national average of completed suicides amongst young men. After road traffic accidents, suicide is the second biggest cause of death of young men.

What is important to remember is that just because some men can’t often express their emotions , it doesn’t mean they don’t have any, or aren’t feeling things deeply. Due to the pressure to conform, many times men will convert stereotypical female emotions such as sadness and vulnerability into acceptable masculine emotions such as pride and anger.

Or they will express emotions only in socially acceptable settings, such as at a football game, or after a few drinks in the pub.

Society forces men into a situation where they feel deeply, but are told not to express these feelings. At best we have men who are low in confidence, disconnected from their feelings and struggling in relationships. And at worst, we have men who go on mass killing sprees like the recent ones in the US or hurt themselves and complete suicide. Since 1982, 92 of 95 mass shootings were carried out by men.

So, with all of this knowledge, it feels essential that I teach my son emotional awareness. Here are 6 ideas to increase your child’s emotional intelligence:

1. Become a good role model. When it comes to expressing and showing emotions, the best way to teach our kids emotional intelligence is to lead by example. Don’t be afraid to show your kids a wide spectrum of feelings and explain to them how you feel.
2. Listen. Actively listen and show interest so that they feel safe to talk. Starting now means your kids will be more likely to share their feelings, especially during the crucial teenage years.
3. This builds trust. Active listening fosters trust. Trust that he can talk to you and share his feelings without fear, judgement or ridicule.
4. TV. If you’re going to use TV, then there is some good TV that can help. Sesame Street, Elmo’s World and Daniel the Tiger all discuss emotions, feelings and consequences. And by watching it together it becomes an easier way of chatting about these topics with your child.
5. Read books together. There are wonderful children’s books that can teach your children about feelings with age appropriate language. Find some inspiration here.
6. Gender neutral toys. Avoiding ‘boys toys’ such as guns, and focusing on neutral toys such as Lego and puzzles reduces stereotyping what typical boy behavior should be.

This article was originally posted in Uber Moms by me.