FOMO – the Fear Of Missing Out

Many years ago, before I had a child and a partner and moved to another country, I used to say yes to every invitation. A friend once commented that I’d ‘go to the opening of an envelope!’ I went out for drinks, to the theatre, for dinners, concerts, dancing and to the cinema. I went on weekend breaks, spa days and holidays. I was always super busy.

Thankfully it was before I was on Facebook and social media but I had a strong sense of FOMO (the Fear Of Missing Out). Although I was doing a lot of work on myself, I was still in a place of low self-esteem and a cycle of negative thinking. I compared myself to others and I compared my life to other people’s lives. I always felt they were better than me or happier than me or more successful. And this made my FOMO worse. 

Luckily, by the time I joined Facebook in 2014 and was on social media, my inner self-esteem and resilience was more developed and I wasn’t so greatly affected by other people’s posts. I’d also go to a point where not only could I reframe situations but I genuinely embraced them. For example, when I was single, I often went out during the week but didn’t have plans at the weekend. In the past I would have felt I was missing out on something and would feel lonely or even unloved.

But over time I embraced the time to disconnect, to spend time in solitude, cuddle with my cat, rest  and read. And if someone asked me what I was doing at the weekend I would genuinely smile and say ‘absolutely nothing’ and feel so happy about that.

FOMO was added to the Oxford dictionary in 2013 and defined as the “anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere, often aroused by posts seen on social media.”

The term was coined by Patrick J. McGinnis, a venture capitalist and author, while studying at Harvard Business School. For many people, FOMO becomes a recurrent concern that they might miss an opportunity, a social interaction, a profitable investment, or other satisfying things.

Reasons for missing out

So what causes us to feel that we are missing out?

1. Social media – FOMO is particularly linked to comparing ourselves to others on social media and feeling that we are missing out. 
2. Loneliness v solitude – there is a difference between choosing to spend time alone and feeling lonely. When we feel lonely we are more likely to compare ourselves less favourably  to others.
3. Anxiety/ low self-esteem/ external happiness not internal happiness- when we have low levels of self-esteem, experience anxiety or seek happiness externally, then we can feel that other people are happier and have their lives more figured out.

A survey conducted in the US and the UK found that the majority of young adults (ages 18 – 34) want to say yes to everything because of their FOMO. Many feel like they don’t invest enough energy or time in exploring new topics or interests due to it.

The good news is that there is an alternative to FOMO. Let me introduce you to JOMO (the Joy Of Missing Out), a term coined by Anil Dash in 2012.

Jomo

Joy of Missing Out: You’re enjoying what you’re doing in the here and now and not on social media broadcasting or seeing what everybody else is doing. Opposite of FOMO or the fear of missing out.

(Urban Dictionary)

6 Tips to Embrace the Joy Of Missing Out

So, how do you embrace JOMO? Here are my 6 tips:

1. Disconnect from Tech

Reduce the amount of time you spend on social media and have regular time when you completely disconnect from tech.

2. Reflect – how are you spending your time?

Take some time to contemplate how you are spending your time and how it makes you feel. Be honest, are you doing things because they bring you joy or because you worry about missing out.

3. Become more intentional with how you spend your time

Now spend some time consciously deciding what is important to you and your happiness and how you want to spend your time. What activities or events fit in with your goals or priorities? Would you benefit from time alone or resting?

4. Reconnect with people

So much of our communication and relationships take place online. Disconnect from tech and reconnect with people. Relationships are an essential part of our happiness so prioritise the people that make you feel great.

5. Be mindful. Be more present

Learn to become more mindful. Cultivating JOMO includes slowing down and becoming more in the moment. Bring awareness to your emotional and physical needs and choose to be more present in your life. (check out my 21 Day Self Compassion Journey and Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction courses to learn the skills).

6. Practice saying NO

An obvious one but one that is difficult for many people. Learn to say no to things without fear or guilt. Consciously choose only what is necessary or brings you joy.

Embracing more JOMO in your life will bring you so many benefits including more balance, joy, and happiness .

 

It’s widely taught that our body language can give off messages to other people and affect how they view us. For example, we all know that when we go for an interview we should stand up straight, make eye contact and have a firm handshake and the interview panel will perceive us as confident. But, did you know that research is showing us that by changing your body language you can also change how you feel and increase your mood.

Here are 6 ways your body language can improve your mood:

1. Smile

Simply smiling can make you feel better.

I love this piece of research by Fritz Strack who wanted to explore the relationship between our facial expressions and our emotions. In his study, he had two groups. The first group was told to hold a pen between their teeth. The second group was told to put a pen between their lips. As you read this, grab a pen and try the two different positions. What do you notice? Like the participants in group 1 holding the pen in their teeth, you probably noticed that you feel like you are smiling. And like the participants in group 2 with the pen between their lips, you probably feel like you are frowning. With the participants holding the pen in their mouths, he gave all the participants a Far Side comic to read and asked them how funny they thought it was. The participants with a pen between their teeth found the comic much funnier than the ones with a pen stuck between their lips. The results show us that smiling can change how we feel and change how positively we perceive information. A further study in 2014 by the Hannover Medical School in Germany found that botox reduces depression. They wanted to find out if they could improve the condition of patients with depression if their faces displayed less frown lines. So they used Botox, a nerve toxin, which paralyzes the muscles it is injected into. And indeed, 60% of the treated patients experienced a significant improvement in their mood.

2. Sit Up Straight

Many research studies show that sitting up straight can boost your mood and energy. A 2004 study examined the effects of upright and slumped posture on the ability of college students to recall both positive and negative thoughts. Participants were asked to generate both positive and negative thoughts in upright and slouched positions. The results show that it is significantly easier to generate positive thoughts when body posture is upright. At a rate of two to one, participants also reported that negative thoughts were easier to generate in the slumped position than when sitting upright. “When sitting upright and looking upwards, it was difficult and for many almost impossible to recall hopeless, helpless, powerless, and negative memories and easier to recall empowering, positive memories,” the researchers, Erik Peper and I-Mei Lin, reported.

3. Walking With A Positive Posture

We can recognise how someone feels when someone walks with their shoulders slumped and their head hanging down. But researchers were intrigued to know if the reverse is true. Can walking with a positive posture affect how you feel? To find out, Johannes Michalak, et al in 2015 created a study. They asked the participants to walk on a treadmill while trying to match either a sad or cheerful walking style. While these subjects were walking, they were also shown a mixed list of words associated with positive and negative emotions. Afterwards, the scientists asked the study participants to recall as many of the words they had seen as possible. Those who had a happier gait remembered more cheerful words. Those who had walked in a depressed style, more negative ones. The conclusion? How we walk not only influences our mood but actively changes the information we pay attention to.

4. Power posing

One of my personal favourites is from leading body language researcher Amy Cuddy. In her book Presence and also in her TedTalk, Cuddy discusses how body language can be the difference between succeeding and failing at job interviews. She made participants stand in high power poses and low power poses for two minutes before sending them into an interview. She measured their levels of the stress hormone cortisol and the dominance hormone testosterone. The results indicated that those standing in high power poses had increased levels of testosterone and lower levels of cortisol than those in low power poses. So next time you need to feel confident, either raise your arms in the victory pose or put your hands on your hips like Wonder Woman and hold for 2 minutes.

5. Laugh

This was our favourite in the happiness Club this week. We all agreed that laughing every day was one of the best mood boosters. Laughter relaxes our muscles, improves our blood sugar and lowers our blood pressure, according to the Mayo Clinic. Because laughing is a social thing (you’re 30 percent more likely to laugh with others than alone), it also decreases isolation. So, watch your favourite comedy show, go see a live comedian or spend 5 minutes watching funny cat videos and laugh. A lot.

6. Adopt An Open Posture

When we are feeling anxious, not so confident, stressed or uncomfortable, we tend to adopt a closed and protective body language – crossing our arms and legs, shoulders hunched, lowering our head, less eye contact or maybe putting our hands in front of our face or mouth. Instead, adopt a more confident posture and feel your confidence and mood change. Instead of closing ourselves off and becoming smaller (also known as body blocking, the universal sign of discomfort) open yourself up and take up more space. Uncross your legs, open up your arms, shoulders back, head up and you will convey more confidence and feel your mood lighten. Science is now showing us that small changes in our body language can have a big impact on how we feel and how positively we receive information. Try to regularly tune in and scan your body and notice what slight adjustments you can make to impact your mood and to feel happier.

I recently realized that I’m not good at asking for help. I genuinely thought I was. As a Coach I am always encouraging people to do so, to reach out to others and get support. And I like to think that I would help anyone and support anyone if they needed it. In fact, it feels good when I can help others.

However, a few weeks ago, I found myself in a situation where I needed to ask for help and was uncomfortable and overwhelmed when good friends helped me out. When I dug deeper I realized that I worried about overstepping the friendship and also about taking too much without giving. I do know that I give a lot to others and that I’m not just a taker but it’s something I need to continually work on in myself.

Does any of this resonate with you?

So, currently when I have these limiting beliefs, I’m asking myself:

•  Is this a true statement?
•  What are the facts?
•  Have I ever helped this person?
•  Am I kind?
•  If I was telling a friend about my situation and wanting to ask for help, what would they say?
• How do I feel when someone asks me for help and allows me to help them?

Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness

And when we don’t, we lose out on that support and we also deprive others who would love to do so, of the chance to help us.

You may have seen my last FB Live on The Happiness Club but if not, here is the big news. From June you can join the Happiness club meetings LIVE online with me. Make sure you are signed up to my Happiness Club page to see when the first one is happening as well as dates for my in-person group in Munich.

I’m so excited to be able to take my group international and to spend more time with you. See you next week!

WANT TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT COACHING?

Book a FREE no-obligation 20-minute Discovery Call to find out how I can support you to take your life from Ordinary to EXTRAordinary and live to your full potential. Book Here!

BACK IN STOCK

Finally, the warm weather is here and we have back in stock the Rose geranium essential oil that is a highly effective tick repellent. Simply email me at hello@julieleonardcoaching.com to place an order. Full instructions are included. Click here for more information.

Until next time. Have a HAPPY June!

I believe that self-care is an important act of self-love. For Valentines Day this year, I have planned a date night with my partner and we are off to a concert. For me, going to see live music makes me so happy, makes me feel alive, leaves me with lasting memories and is something just for me. In fact, I have a whole calendar of gigs lined up for this year because this is something fun yet important for my self-care. Some of those concerts I will go to with friends or my partner, the rest I will go to by myself. Going alone won’t stop me. Along with the music, I plan in monthly spa mornings too. And of course, there is my monthly waxings, health care appointments, and exercise. And the obvious, eating healthy, drinking plenty of water, and getting adequate sleep (which proved exceptionally challenging last year!)

Self Care makes me the best version of myself

You see, even though I’m extremely busy and even though I sometimes feel guilty that I should be doing something else, what I have learned over the 30 years I have supported women is that self-care isn’t selfish. It’s essential. Self-care nourishes my mind, body, and spirit. And self-care makes me not only more productive, but it also makes me a better mama, partner, friend, colleague, and neighbor. Self-care reduces my stress levels, reduces the worry and anxiety, calms my mind, improves my mood, I’m less irritated, less short-tempered and much more fun!

Why a clear concept of self care is key

The key is that I have a very clear concept of self-care and its importance on my health and relationships. If you don’t have a concrete idea of what self-care is then you are less likely to commit to and succeed at regular self-care.

Blocks to self-care

Many of the women that I Coach don’t have this strong idea of self-care for many reasons:

1. They don’t get how important it is in their lives.
2. They often think self-care is doing nothing (and therefore not a productive use of time)
3. They feel guilty that they should be doing something else instead (such as housework, work, shopping and just about anything else)
4. They don’t feel they are worth it
5. They think it is a waste of money
6. Or a luxury
7. They don’t have time
8. They put everyone else’s needs first

Do any of these resonate with you? In general, women are nurturers and often put others first. However, taking care of yourself and recharging your batteries will make you more effective and productive in your own life, you will also find happiness and self love.

10 ways to build self-care into your life

I’d love to share some exercises to support you to build self-care into your life.

1. Write down all the positive benefits to you and those around you if you were to prioritize your self-care. Take time to reflect upon just how much of a difference it would make to you and the impact regular self-care would have on your health and wellbeing as well as those around you.

2. Write down the self-care rituals, hobbies, and appointments that you personally enjoy and make you feel great! What do you love, what did you used to do, what would you like to do? Now is the time to write that wish list of self-care.

3. Create your own personal self-care plan that works for you. Everyone is different and we all have different needs to work out what is best for you and your lifestyle.

4. Find a Moment for Me Time. This is just 10-15 minutes a day to enjoy a tea or coffee, drink that extra glass of water, read an inspirational article, do some stretches, light a candle, burn your essential oils, go for a walk. Begin to think of yourself each day and do something nice for you. You are worth it.

5. Create healthy rituals. Go to bed at the same time each night, create a nighttime routine, take a bath, schedule a massage, go to a weekly exercise class. These will soon become habits and daily routines.

6. Be present. When we are tired and stressed it is easy to slip into numbing activities. Scrolling mindlessly on FB and losing time, watching tv all evening, eating chocolate, having a glass of wine are the more unhealthy tools we use to disengage and numb our feelings. (I’m not saying don’t enjoy your Netflix series or some nice chocolate or a glass
of wine, but enjoy them mindfully and not as a crutch when you are overtired and overwhelmed)

7. Unplug. Technology now means we are always connected and often expected to respond immediately to messages and emails. There is often a fear of missing out if we are not constantly checking our phones. Become more conscious of unplugging each day. Is the first thing you do each day switching on your phone? Is it the last thing you
look at night. I switch my phone off by 9 pm to focus time on me and my partner. Become more conscious of not always checking your phone. Even remove app’s or sound alerts so that you are not tempted to respond to that ding

8. Make time for self-care. Put it in your diary. I have to do this with exercise. It was something that I found hard to remember to do in my day. I was so busy and focused on work and my child that I would reach the end of the day only to realize yet again I hadn’t done my exercises. So I put it in my calendar. Like an appointment. And stuck to it. I prioritised it and fitted other things around it. It’s perfectly ok to put journaling, go for a walk, yoga or whatever you need in your calendar each day

9. Create a positive affirmation about self-care. Say it every day to remind yourself that you are important, you need it and you are worth it!

10. And finally, build some laughter into your day. It’s an excellent stress buster. Watch a youtube video, listen to your favorite comedian, tell a joke, listen to your kid’s stories or reminisce about funny stories from your past.

February is the month of love and the perfect time to begin to build self-love into your daily life.

Take a look at this other post if you are a mom, looking for specific tips on how to include self-care into your daily routine